I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
