More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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