seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
