I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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