Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
