She's JV to your varsity
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
