I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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