So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
