Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
