i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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