I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he was CRYING into my vagina
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
