I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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