I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
