i think my mom watched the whole time
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
