My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
