I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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