I cut my penus on the lid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
