someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
