my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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