last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
