what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
