new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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