there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
