i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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