i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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