Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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