I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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