Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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