So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
