while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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