apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
