she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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