Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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