Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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