i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
