I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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