ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
