He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
