thus making me awesome and them whores
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
did i walk over a car last night?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
