she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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