Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
