He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
