he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
