Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They took my balls.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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