Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
