So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
