Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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