hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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