I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
