remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
