I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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