The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Damn victory sex feels great
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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